onemuseleft

Peter: "Man, it's just not fair. Even after getting super-powers, I'm still just a nerd."
Tony: "Could be worse. You could be Clark Kent."
Peter: "Clark who?"
Tony: "You know. Superman."
Peter: "YOU KNOW SUPERMAN'S SECRET IDENTITY? Wait, did you just OUT Superman? Tony! That's not ethical!"
Tony: "Please. Like you'd tell anyone. Anyway, he knows yours, so it's only fair."
Peter: "YOU TOLD HIM?"
Tony: "What do you take me for? No! Batman figured it out about a week after you bought your first pair of red tights."
Peter: "Batman. Batman knows who I am?"
Tony: "Batman knows who pretty much everyone is. Although I had him convinced Thor was Carol Danvers for a while there."
Peter: "..."
Tony: "In Bats' defense, they were never in the same place at the same time, and I might have led him to believe Carol was a shape-shifting hermaphrodite."
Peter: "... like Sosai X?"
Tony: "I don't know who that is. Anyway, I don't think anyone in this town has a secret identity anymore."
Peter: "Except Batman."
Tony: "..."
Peter: "YOU KNOW WHO BATMAN IS? HOW?!"
Tony: "Please. I am a genius, why do people always forget that? Anyway, we go way back. We share a few social circles. Jan probably knows him, now that I think about it."
Peter: "YOU SOCIALIZE WITH BATMAN?"
Steve: *wanders in* "Didn't you two date once?"
Peter: "You dated Batman? BATMAN. BAT. MAN. You dated him?"
Tony: "Dating is a very strong word. It was more like a series of loosely connected one-night-stands. The three of us weren't really looking for anything permanent-"
Peter: "Three of us? There were three of you? WAS CAP THERE?"
Steve: "No. That was Superman. I'd have sex with a pissed off Hulk before I'd have sex with Batman."
Tony: "That's... well, actually, I can't argue with that. How did you know Clark was there?"
Steve: "You talk in your sleep."
Tony: "I do?"
Steve: "Amongst other things."
Tony: "Really?"
Steve: "Oh yeah."
Peter: "What? Where did this conversation go?"
Tony: "WE HAVE TO GO NOW."
*Steve and Tony leave*
Peter: "So this is what it feels like to realize your parents are having sex. Ew. Ew. Ew."
Clint: *walking through, claps Peter on the shoulder* "I feel you, kid."